And Maybe ...

So maybe I can't drive in the snow very well.
At least I'm not lying to myself.
There're ten million people going somewhere tonight
So I might just stay in.
This bottle's half empty and I need to look after my health.

And maybe I can't change all the shit that makes me awful
But at least I can admit that it's true.
There's got to be reasons that people hurt other people
And I can't quite keep out of  it but at least I'm not awful to you.

And maybe there's a person out there for every one of us
But God can't quite work out the numbers.
So we end up with everyone loving the beautiful people
Staking claims  on the  wealthy
And the odd balls like us just have to make due with each other.

But I hold on to everything.
I hold tight to every last memory
Because the pain in this world is just like the good times
In that when I am ready to leave they'll probably be all that I have.

And maybe I can't shake off the need to feel wanted
And you can't shake the need to be stern.    
I will beg at your alter and claw at your heels
And make you claustrophobic and crowded but at least I want you in return.

And maybe I believe that if I shout at them enough
They won't make mistakes like their dad.
But if this is the same fucked up world I grew up in then I can't save them their pain
Or change their decisions.
But if I stop shouting and chill maybe it won't seem as bad.

Strong Person

It's the kind of hurt that no one talks about,
easy to shut away but impossible to ignore.
And I'm the kind of man who never works it out.
I just keep telling myself that I've been through shit like this before.

It's the kind of day that never changes its wardrobe.
It just stays in business grey and rains just enough to keep everything wet.
And I'm the kind of man  who goes out walking anyway
because with all the cold and all the rain I haven't found the cure for being restless yet.

And I'm a strong person. At least that's what everyone around me likes to say.
I've got control of my thoughts and my emotions I just can't convince myself that I'm that way.

They're the kind of memories that I can't help but fall back on
when the world around me seems to hold me in one place.
And I'm the kind of man who understands
that living in those memories will never fill their empty space.

It was kind of kiss that makes your stomach hurt.
In the kind of light that makes everything seem much more subtle than it is.
And I'm the kind of fool to make believe
that that was when we fell in love and it wasn't just another kiss.

But I'm a strong person. At least that's what every around me likes to say.
I have control of my thoughts and my emotions I just can't convince myself that I'm that way.

It's the kind of night that makes the day light seem so frightening.
It covers us and keeps us safe despite the world outside.
And it's the kind of hurt that no one warned us about.
The kind of hurt that's just too easy to hide.

Hopefully

My first son was perceived as a blessing. Conceived in a rest stop on Memorial Day

My second was perceived as an accident. Conceived in our bed when we were less than half awake

And my first son has a mind like a dagger. Sharp and silver and piercing deep beyond the skin.

And my second has a soul like the morning. Cold yet warming like it's shining through the trees 

    in the winter

          when the leaves are wearing thin.

But they both, someday, will be so much stronger than me.

And they will have to help an old man into bed and from his knees.

Where I will leave this life with family standing over me.

My brain is perceived as "creative". Making words do tricks like acrobats on a trapeze of complex human thoughts .

And my brain reminds me everyday of the tears that I've made fall and the hurt that I've brought.

And I've been told that every brain has two halves and that the left is used for calculating as being bright.

And although I know that both are strong in me I tend to always choose the right.

But they both, someday, will be so much stronger than me.

And they will have to help an old man into bed and from his knees.

Where I will leave this life with family standing over me.

Well your hands were made for painting and for planning and for writing down your dreams.

And your hands are used for holding me close no matter how distant I may seem.

And your hands are made for making sense of numbers that your left brain understands.

And I know you have a beautiful heart because it gives life to those hands.

But they both, someday, will be so much stronger than me.

And they will have to help an old man into bed and from his knees.

Where I will leave this life with family ...

 ... hopefully.

Unnerving Tone

What if I told you that I wanted to make music for a living?
Going out into the country and deep into the cities. Sleeping in the car and living off charity.
Would you follow me?

What if I told you that I have trouble believing in anything?
That the hopeless romantics and theologians and poets did nothing to alter my dreams and philosophies.
Would you still believe in me?

What if I told you that I rarely feel like I make the right decisions and I'm likely to second guess everything?
That my confidence  is a hook dangling out in the sea on a line called deception and the first man to walk across water will likely walk all over me.
Would you look out for me?

Or would you go?
Would you flee my unnerving tone?
There's probably not much that I know
but I know you'd come home.

And What if I told you that there's more than one person I'm okay with growing old with?
Would you punish me?
I know you've felt that way before but I've seen you shut your heart off and it's something I could never do.
So don't judge me too harshly.

And what if I told you that without you I'd die?
Would you laugh at the metaphor and call it "a lie"?
Or would you understand the imagery, the death that I am,
The destructive capability of a pitiful man who's judged fairly.
You could help me.

But if you go.
If you flee my unnerving tone.
There's probably not much that I know.
But I know you'd come home.

Nostalgia

I'm thankful for another Wednesday.
 The weekends are coming way too soon these days.
And though I know you'll soon be with me I can't help feeling a little less myself in the strangest ways.

So I'm hungry for a little closeness.
I can feel you in my twitching and my nervousness.
I can smell you on the breaze that passes by and I can taste you on my breath

But this, too, shall pass.
But this, too, shall pass
 as all things do in time. Right now you're on my mind. But this too, shall pass

The afternoon was getting muggy.
Now the sticky summer evening's folding into dusk.
I take an inhalation of the dark woods around me and the feel the earth turning in beneath us.

I'm hurting for some clarity now.
I'm calm although my heart keeps pounding in my chest.
And I can feel the weight of your head on my arm and I can taste you on my breath.


And now I wonder how my body knew.
I wonder why it lets the bad crawl through.
Your skin blocks out the light from the outside then lets the darkness get to you.

So you drove me home on Wednesday.
The weekend's just a little odd I guess.
I can hear  you in my nightmares and I can taste you on my breath.

But this, too, shall pass.
But this, too, shall pass
as all things do in time. Right now you're on my mind. But this too, shall pass.

Shaded plants

Things are starting to look good. We've gotten a good bit of the yard cleaned up and have started the gardening process. We still have a lot to learn and I'm sure there will be a good deal of trial and error but at least everything is looking better aesthetically.

Remember the huge pile of trash and clutter?

We've removed it all and in it's place we've added a fern garden (above) and a shade garden (right).

We've also fenced off the property, which 'll show you later, and we've cleared out a few other areas for vegetable gardening.

We plan to add Chickens, Goats, and some rabbits as soon as we get the plants settled in

Oppression Of Things

OK! We have been officially moved in for the last three days. And by "moved in" I mean we sleep there.

I actually just brought the refrigerator yesterday. See how happy he is?
Everything is coming together quite nicely in the tiny house though. Really enjoying my new kitchen

 Here is a picture I took from the staircase.The problem is that we now have less than half the space so three days after the move our yard still looks like this.

Needless to say there is still much work that needs to be done. Mostly figuring out what we do and do not need. I guess that's what minimizing is all about.

Bones likes the closet